I was sitting on top of a huge rock at the edge of this tiny beach a few minutes off Phi Phi island when suddenly, something clicked. I thought, "this is it. This is paradise. I could stare at this forever."
I was sitting there alone, everyone else behind me - every tourist and every local trying their best to sell their mango shake - all behind me with only this rock separating me from them. This was mine. I was happy here. I was absolutely content here. It felt like all my problems and worries were gone - and for a second they were. Everything was silent.
This must have been what Patanjali meant when talking about samadhi and peace - the experience of bliss and being at one with the universe. It feels ridiculous to say because I've read all about samadhi and this "one-pointedness of mind" in every yoga book and it sounded unattainable.
You see, in India, when someone dies, they say that person has gone to samadhi. Now, I know I was no where near death. Although, I might have actually died a little... or maybe, I'm just exaggerating a lot and this is all nonsense because I was high on Peyote¹. But nonetheless, I was strangely at peace. I wanted that moment to last forever.
But of course, a few minutes pass and my sister was already calling me, telling me our boat was about to leave. My heart sank. I obviously didn't want to leave. It felt so nice to just stare at the ocean and hear the waves crashing onto the rocks. I wanted to have that place. I wanted to have it in my pocket so I could take it out and go there any time I needed to because it felt like the kind of secret place you'd go to when you had a bad day. Like, going there would magically erase all the bad away.
I left the island thinking about that place, wondering if someone has also sat there and felt the same as I did. I don't know why I had such a strong connection with that place. Maybe it truly did have magic.
Everyday, I try not to think about that place. Our memories change every time they are recalled and that scares me. I want that moment to stay as pure as possible but it's hard not to think about it.
Ever since I left, I've been wanting to come back but I'm scared that when I do, it won't be the same... that it'll just be another ocean for me.
Listen to Fink's Looking Too Closely
¹I'M JOKING OBVIOUSLY! (just in case mom sees this)